While My Guitar Gently Weeps – The Beatles
"With every mistake, we must surely be learning"
Or so you would think. But it seems like every damn time I turn around I have disappointed this or that person. And what’s really sad is I disappoint myself, I am not enough for myself. I wish that I could have done so many other things with myself at this point in my life. Aren’t these the feeling you are supposed to have in your 40’s and 50’s when you reflect on all you have and haven’t done? Well, at the ripe age of 23, I’m having them already. I believe this is what they call a quarter life crisis? I am just now beginning to understand myself. I am also starting to realize that this is really when most people figure things out, just no one talks about it. Your whole life they have you believe that is what high school and college are for. Well, I’m about to graduate college and all of this is just now dawning on me. I thought I had all of my shit figured out, knew who I was and what I wanted. Then I slapped myself and said get real and now I have no idea about anything. How utterly ridiculous. I’m going to have a degree in 4 short months for something I DON’T WANT TO DO! I vaguely contemplate how many other people find themselves in this same predicament and I decide there are probably quite a few. I mean, is it just me or are your late teens and early twenties confusing enough without having to decide on a career path too? Maybe we should have some kind of break between high school and college where you just go work for a while, try shit and see how you feel. I spent thirty thousand dollars on my education and now it can’t help me get where I actually want to go. I’ve finally figured out that I’m too damn creative for this shit and I need to be doing something with that. I realize how that sounds and I am shocked to find I am not creative in the ways I thought. Who knew I could write, and yet, here I sit. Funny how life does that to you.
At this point, I have so many directions I could, and might want to, go. How do I get to any one of them though? There is the writing thing as I have mentioned, but there is also design, and if I had kept it up, dance would be an option. I gave up too easy on that last one though. I let someone scare me and I ran; I suck. Anyway, I know I have a little bit of talent when it comes to design and arrangement and planning. If I could be a coordinator of anything for someone I think I would be happy. But I would also be happy doing this all day….sitting at home and prattling on about the things I happen to find important. But how often does anyone get paid a decent amount for that. In order to get noticed you have to be funny, a brilliant writer, or have an amazing twist on the same shit that has already been done. Let’s face it, no one has an original idea anymore, there are too many damn people on this planet now for that to ever happen again.
I feel like I’m on a soapbox but who cares. I’m one of the most opinionated people I know and as long as you stay on the right topics, I know exactly what I want. My husband would vehemently disagree though and insist that I am completely indecisive. That’s true when it comes to what I want to eat for dinner that night or what I might want to get at the grocery store. But if you ask about clothes, or how I had wanted my wedding, I am very sure on those things. More so than most people anyway. And with that kind of opinion, I should be making decisions somewhere for a living. Maybe just decisions on what to write about next, or maybe what kind of flowers should be used in the centerpiece. Who the hell knows? Anyone? No? Okay well neither do I so I’m shit out of luck.
When I was little, I always told my mom I wanted to be one of those people who designed the neat containers perfume and makeup comes in. Most little girls wanted to be princesses, doctors, veterinarians, models, actors. Not me though, I was captivated by the bottles and compacts and I just knew that it was something I would love doing. Who has those thoughts as a kid? I do apparently. Why hadn’t I just listened to my younger self and gone for the design thing? Yet another task I chickened out in. Art always was my favorite class. All these indicators showing me where to go. I just don’t know how to get there and that scares the daylights out of me. I am so scared of failing that I don’t want to try, which is so, so very sad. If it weren’t me I was talking about, I would think this person was pathetic. I would think that no matter what gender this person was, they needed to man the hell up, get a grip, and go for it. But here I sit.
I have started to do some atrsy things, I have all kinds of ideas. I just don’t have any money and Lord knows that is what you need to do anything in this world. That kind of holds me back too, I worry about money and weather I can do the things I want. I don’t allow myself to want to do something unless I am absolutely sure it can be done, because I don’t want to be let down, yet again. And it is so much worse when you let yourself down. I find myself back at the beginning of my personal conversation. Moving right along…
And right now my damn thoughts are going so fast that I can’t possibly keep up and get it all written out.
Music is my muse. I wish like hell I had the capability to create music, in one way or another. I’m ridiculously jealous and enthralled of those who can. Music means more to me than most people I know. I mean, most of them love music which is all well and good, but I don’t feel like they fully understand what it means to me. I don’t know how I would have made it this far in my life if it weren’t for music. I listen to a little bit of almost everything. If you have good lyrics I am usually hooked. I relate my life to music in a way that helps me deal with everything that arises, otherwise I might explode, which I’m not really up for. I am very attracted to the part that instruments play also. I mean, I guess they are the music, first and foremost, but I love it when it stands out. Guitars drive me crazy, bass lines haunt me, and drums make me want to play along. Also, people who sing like they are pouring everything out through their mouth, they amaze me to no end. People like Jason Mraz or Caleb Followill……Oh I am so jealous. I love singing, it soothes my soul. I’m decent but certainly nothing to write home about. And so, the thing I am most passionate about in life is the one thing I don’t excel at, in any way. How perfectly typical.
I have always been attracted to darker lyrics in music too, which is slightly disturbing. Lyrics about how disappointing life can be, how much someone hurt you, how you just want to yell at someone so that maybe they can finally realize all of the damage they have done to you. Sure, the uplifting ones are beautiful, inspirational, and those resonate with me as well. But I always go back to the other ones, cling to them really, for a way to get out and describe everything swimming around inside of me. Now I just sound like a crazy emo kid. I’m locked inside my head though.
I go through phases where I’m completely bubbly and busy and wonderful. Then, times like this come up and I want to sleep all day and sit up all night, listening to music and wallowing in self pity. How pathetic. There is a part of me that enjoys being sad, feeling dejected. That sounds so very wrong. Like I said, I cling to darker lyrics, things that can bring me to the place my mind likes to dwell. That should sound scary, my logical brain gets that. But I can’t make myself feel alarmed because that is where I feel at home. It is where I am comfortable. Everything is a damn struggle and I just want someone to see that. I want someone to hear me, really hear what I am saying. Just listen, and get me. But most everyone wants to give an opinion, give advice, one-up your situation or story. I feel very different, misunderstood. I am really going through my teen rebellion in my twenties…..I don’t even want to touch that. I feel disgusted.
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