Tithe

Yep, goin the religious route for a minute.

We had a big sermon on Sunday about how a LOT of people put money above God. They worry about money constantly, and are always saying, if I just had a little more. Sermon was REALLY good. Of course, talking about money in a church, tithe is going to come up. Now, as a Christian, you're supposed to tithe 10% of your yearly income. Doesn't sound like a lot. But when you are on a pretty fixed income....ITS A LOT!

Lucas and I thought about it, figured out home much we'd have to give for a month. There is no way, unless we don't eat and steal gas. Acoording to our faith, we are living above our means. But I swear....We are scraping to make it, we don't do anything, go anywhere, and we're barely spending anything in groceries....and it's all we can do. Not to mention, got a notice in the mail that we owe $230 to the county we live in for Vehicle tax....WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?! I already paid that when I bought the car, and I gotta pay it again?

Just when we should be getting back on our feet after our trip home, and we get that in the mail. On to not doing anything again for at least the next two weeks.

SO our pastor, during his sermon, goes on to tell stories of people from our church who have been so strapped for cash they can't buy beans, and how they did this 90 day challenge to tithe like you're supposed to. God worked in their lives and things worked out for them. Someone got a promotion, and a single mother of 5 with no car, got a car gifted to her by someone in the church. That is great! Absolutely wonderful for them.

Not gonna happen for me. My husband is NOT going to get promoted to Sgt before he gets out of the Marine Corp, and I nanny. That means, I work the same hours every week for the same pay. There is NOWHERE for us to be making extra money. Unless someone wants to pay off the $450 a month in school loans I have, or we find a Wal-Mart gift card on the ground to buy $100 worth of groceries on, shit ain't happenin for us. I am not supposed to question the Lord. I am not. I just don't see how if I write an almost $400 dollar check every month to the church, I'm still going to have money to eat. Unless of course Jesus shows up on my porch and ands feeds the 5000 with fish and bread. That was cynical and rude...I apologize.....

Sigh....I need a real job.

Anyone Wanna Move to Austrailia With Me?

Our country is goin downhill, and fuckin fast. A lot faster than I would have thought possible. Our president is ruining everything that has been built over the last 250+ years.

I am pretty sure, the man is doing everything he can to get rid of our military. He is trying to make it as unappealing as possible, and succeeding. Cut military healthcare? Done. Freeze military pay for the next three years? Done. Lower Basic Allowance for Housing given to married enlisted and officers? Done. Lower the amount of peopl being accepted by the Marine Corp? Pretty much done. Does this shit not scare anyone else?????

He's trying to make it so that people who own homes and pay taxes on their homes, don't get to claim that on their taxes. There were 1.05 million home foreclosures in 2010 with almost 70,000 of them in December. Shouldn't we be doing what we can to BOOST the housing market instead of discouraging people from buying a home. This seems like simple, logical thinking. So what the hell is the governemnt's problem???

Also, I agree something should be done to help fix our healthcare system. Prices doctors charge are out of control as well as insurance prices. But lets do something to prohibit the insane amount of illogical suing that happens instead of requiring hard-working Americans to pay more taxes so that people who refuse to get off their ass and do anything can have healthcare. Really people???? Healthcare needs to be more affordable, but it won't be done by making the masses pay fore the lazy. I have seen a bumper sticker a few times that I feel really, really describes the situation well..."You think Healthcare is expensive now, wait until its 'free'"

I am disgusted and worried. Please, please people, let's get the crazy man out of the Whitehouse and have some one with a brain take over.

"It's the end of the world as we know it, it's the end of the world as we know it..."
Oh I totally did just use that song!

Old Lyrics, Forgotten Songs, Something Everyone Should Know

There was this song....late 90's. Actually, I am pretty sure it says it's dedicated to the class of '99. Anyway, it is epic, and NO ONE else knows it. It is by Baz Luhrmann and called "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)." It's kind of a strange title, and certainly a strange song. He just sort of talks through the whole thing, no singing. But this man gives some of the best damn advice I have ever heard. They are things everyone should know, live by, and accept. It came up on shuffle on my IPod yesterday and I thought, I am gonna share this song with some people and hopefully enlighten a little....

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now."

That's just a fantastic start. I mean, at least I think so. He's flippin right about the sunscreen....me and my redheaded fairness can attest to that shit. The experiences that gave him the advice to give are more valuable than anything though, really.

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
 oh nevermind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now
how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine."

The age old lament of the human race. We all get old, look back, and think damn, I really had it all then. As much as I wish it were possible, teens and 20 something's won't ever be able to fully understand how great things are at this age. You have to get older, lose the things he describes, before you realize anything. Not as fat as I imagine you say??? Why yes, I do believe you are right. Too bad I can't make myself believe deep down, even when I know its true. I blame our society. Cause...yeah I am a little fluffy....but it shouldn't be that hard to find clothes, and I shouldn't be about to bust out of XL shirts....Just sayin'. Wasn't Marilyn Monroe a size 12??? And everyone knows she was the shit in her time. Why is that so frowned upon now? I blame Twiggy.

"Don’t worry about the future;
or worry,
but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."

I worry like it's cool. I really wish I didn't but I come from a long line of worriers and had zero chance of escaping. I know all about the troubles he speaks of though. Those things that come that you never would have imagined. A car accident, a death, some kind of sinking blow. I had that happen to a friend of mine this summer. Something we all knew could have happened, but never really amgined it would. It affected us all and things won't ever be the same. Fuckin idle Tuesdays....

" Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss "

Random, and wonderful advie. I certainly should start embracing that first one. I am scared of so, so much. Stupid stuff, too, that keeps me from having fun. Sigh, I hate being a chicken. Sing....I do! Everyone else should, too. Even if it's just to belt it out like Beyonce in your car. Its incredibly freeing. About other people's hearts, and your own. I just think we all need to learn a little bit of kindness, some compassion. That, and people need to stop laying down and letting other run over them while they do nothing to stop. Also...everyone should be flossing. Take of your teeth...it sucks to lose them.

"Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead,
sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long, and in the end,
it’s only with yourself. "

I really can't expound on this....certainly only with yourself....brilliant.

"Remember the compliments you receive,
forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this,
tell me how."

Oh, me too!!!!!

"Keep your old love letters,
 throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t."

Don't know about the love letters. That could end bad in your next relationship. About the bank statements, yes, throw them away and don't dwell. But make sure to shred them first cause we live in a world full of crap people. I don't know what I want to do with my life...does that make me interesting????

"What ever you do,
don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either –
your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else’s."

I just like this one. Yeah, your choices may not work out the way you want. But remember everyone else has the same chances as you.

"Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room."

Once again, I do and so should you.

"Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly."

Step away from the Cosmo's ladies. Unless of course you are reading it cause its hysterical!!! In that case, read on my friend.

"Get to know your parents,
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
 Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go
,but for the precious few you should hold on."

Family is more important than most peopl realize and good friends become your family. DO whatever you have to to keep ahold of them. You'll need them in your life, more than you can imagine.

"Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel."

I wish I could do this. Just up and move somewhere for a little while, experience things. But alas, I am too worried about the outcome, too chicken to try, and very stuck in how things should go. Practical to a fault.

"Accept certain inalienable truths,
prices will rise,
politicians will philander,
you too will get old,
and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble
and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders."

The only reason we believe prices used to be reasonable is beacause with each passing day, they become more and more unimaginable. Reminiscing about how easy it used to be, how great it used to be, and how cheap and honest it was, makes us feel better; consoles us. Our current generation has a serious lack of respect for their elders, and it makes so sorely disappointed in those I call peers. Snap out of it and realize what they have to offer you.

"Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out."

Make sure to rely on yourself a little more than others. You will be disappointed at some point and its best to be able to fall back on yourself, just in case.

"Be careful whose advice you buy,
 but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than
it’s worth."

Advice is only as good as the person giving it, and the willingness of the person recieving it.

Old News

So....Not really sure what all to post on here. But for starters...I think I'll put up something I wrote a while ago. It's just a whole stream of consciousness thing...read if ya want, or not. Whatever.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps – The Beatles

"With every mistake, we must surely be learning"

Or so you would think. But it seems like every damn time I turn around I have disappointed this or that person. And what’s really sad is I disappoint myself, I am not enough for myself. I wish that I could have done so many other things with myself at this point in my life. Aren’t these the feeling you are supposed to have in your 40’s and 50’s when you reflect on all you have and haven’t done? Well, at the ripe age of 23, I’m having them already. I believe this is what they call a quarter life crisis? I am just now beginning to understand myself. I am also starting to realize that this is really when most people figure things out, just no one talks about it. Your whole life they have you believe that is what high school and college are for. Well, I’m about to graduate college and all of this is just now dawning on me. I thought I had all of my shit figured out, knew who I was and what I wanted. Then I slapped myself and said get real and now I have no idea about anything. How utterly ridiculous. I’m going to have a degree in 4 short months for something I DON’T WANT TO DO! I vaguely contemplate how many other people find themselves in this same predicament and I decide there are probably quite a few. I mean, is it just me or are your late teens and early twenties confusing enough without having to decide on a career path too? Maybe we should have some kind of break between high school and college where you just go work for a while, try shit and see how you feel. I spent thirty thousand dollars on my education and now it can’t help me get where I actually want to go. I’ve finally figured out that I’m too damn creative for this shit and I need to be doing something with that. I realize how that sounds and I am shocked to find I am not creative in the ways I thought. Who knew I could write, and yet, here I sit. Funny how life does that to you.

At this point, I have so many directions I could, and might want to, go. How do I get to any one of them though? There is the writing thing as I have mentioned, but there is also design, and if I had kept it up, dance would be an option. I gave up too easy on that last one though. I let someone scare me and I ran; I suck. Anyway, I know I have a little bit of talent when it comes to design and arrangement and planning. If I could be a coordinator of anything for someone I think I would be happy. But I would also be happy doing this all day….sitting at home and prattling on about the things I happen to find important. But how often does anyone get paid a decent amount for that. In order to get noticed you have to be funny, a brilliant writer, or have an amazing twist on the same shit that has already been done. Let’s face it, no one has an original idea anymore, there are too many damn people on this planet now for that to ever happen again.

I feel like I’m on a soapbox but who cares. I’m one of the most opinionated people I know and as long as you stay on the right topics, I know exactly what I want. My husband would vehemently disagree though and insist that I am completely indecisive. That’s true when it comes to what I want to eat for dinner that night or what I might want to get at the grocery store. But if you ask about clothes, or how I had wanted my wedding, I am very sure on those things. More so than most people anyway. And with that kind of opinion, I should be making decisions somewhere for a living. Maybe just decisions on what to write about next, or maybe what kind of flowers should be used in the centerpiece. Who the hell knows? Anyone? No? Okay well neither do I so I’m shit out of luck.

When I was little, I always told my mom I wanted to be one of those people who designed the neat containers perfume and makeup comes in. Most little girls wanted to be princesses, doctors, veterinarians, models, actors. Not me though, I was captivated by the bottles and compacts and I just knew that it was something I would love doing. Who has those thoughts as a kid? I do apparently. Why hadn’t I just listened to my younger self and gone for the design thing? Yet another task I chickened out in. Art always was my favorite class. All these indicators showing me where to go. I just don’t know how to get there and that scares the daylights out of me. I am so scared of failing that I don’t want to try, which is so, so very sad. If it weren’t me I was talking about, I would think this person was pathetic. I would think that no matter what gender this person was, they needed to man the hell up, get a grip, and go for it. But here I sit.

I have started to do some atrsy things, I have all kinds of ideas. I just don’t have any money and Lord knows that is what you need to do anything in this world. That kind of holds me back too, I worry about money and weather I can do the things I want. I don’t allow myself to want to do something unless I am absolutely sure it can be done, because I don’t want to be let down, yet again. And it is so much worse when you let yourself down. I find myself back at the beginning of my personal conversation. Moving right along…

And right now my damn thoughts are going so fast that I can’t possibly keep up and get it all written out.

Music is my muse. I wish like hell I had the capability to create music, in one way or another. I’m ridiculously jealous and enthralled of those who can. Music means more to me than most people I know. I mean, most of them love music which is all well and good, but I don’t feel like they fully understand what it means to me. I don’t know how I would have made it this far in my life if it weren’t for music. I listen to a little bit of almost everything. If you have good lyrics I am usually hooked. I relate my life to music in a way that helps me deal with everything that arises, otherwise I might explode, which I’m not really up for. I am very attracted to the part that instruments play also. I mean, I guess they are the music, first and foremost, but I love it when it stands out. Guitars drive me crazy, bass lines haunt me, and drums make me want to play along. Also, people who sing like they are pouring everything out through their mouth, they amaze me to no end. People like Jason Mraz or Caleb Followill……Oh I am so jealous. I love singing, it soothes my soul. I’m decent but certainly nothing to write home about. And so, the thing I am most passionate about in life is the one thing I don’t excel at, in any way. How perfectly typical.

I have always been attracted to darker lyrics in music too, which is slightly disturbing. Lyrics about how disappointing life can be, how much someone hurt you, how you just want to yell at someone so that maybe they can finally realize all of the damage they have done to you. Sure, the uplifting ones are beautiful, inspirational, and those resonate with me as well. But I always go back to the other ones, cling to them really, for a way to get out and describe everything swimming around inside of me. Now I just sound like a crazy emo kid. I’m locked inside my head though.

I go through phases where I’m completely bubbly and busy and wonderful. Then, times like this come up and I want to sleep all day and sit up all night, listening to music and wallowing in self pity. How pathetic. There is a part of me that enjoys being sad, feeling dejected. That sounds so very wrong. Like I said, I cling to darker lyrics, things that can bring me to the place my mind likes to dwell. That should sound scary, my logical brain gets that. But I can’t make myself feel alarmed because that is where I feel at home. It is where I am comfortable. Everything is a damn struggle and I just want someone to see that. I want someone to hear me, really hear what I am saying. Just listen, and get me. But most everyone wants to give an opinion, give advice, one-up your situation or story. I feel very different, misunderstood. I am really going through my teen rebellion in my twenties…..I don’t even want to touch that. I feel disgusted.